Question by sweetypie9: Am I being taken advantage of? Personal Finance question.?
I earn a decent income. My DBF makes about as much as I do in his job. We both work for the same company and we live together. (We have for 2 years now).
I have far more bills than he does (2 car loans, a camper loan, registrations on a snowmobile trailer, snowmobile, the two vehicles, insurances, I have my own home in which I pay 3X more taxes a year on than he does on his, a credit card, a student loan, and a child with a second on the way). I’ve paid for all the expenses to get ready for our baby girl on the way and I take care of the 9 year old from a previous relationship that I already have. He pays me approx $ 70 bi weekly toward groceries. He does not pay when we go out to eat, I do. I pay the remainder of the groceries. He does not pay for the gas or entertainment expenses. I also pay some toward the OIL (this winter $ 300 worth). I also have lawyers fees that I pay. He has his own truck, a snowmobile, insurances, a small mortage, and pays a debt collector.
I pay for the cable bill. He pays the electricity. I can’t think of anything else, but does it seem fair that he is always complaining that he “has no money” on him. I always seem to end up picking up the tab on everyday things from prescriptions (his and mine), to a run to the store for milk, to whatever. I mean it might seem really stupid but I feel like I am always doing, always paying and while I know if I lived alone I would pay too, I just feel almost as if I am doing way too much with this person. Would it seem that way to you or do you think how we’re doing is fair on us both? I do not complain about the money, somehow I always seem to do fine but right now I’m starting to hit a rough patch and I can’t seem to get him to understand that there are things I cannot do right now too. I am frustrated with the economy. I am just not as VERBAL about it as he is. Things weren’t always this way. He used to take me out to dinner all the time and spend $ on me too. I also cook/clean,etc.
BTW. We live in his house, not mine. We have shut mine down for the winter because we weren’t able to rent it out or sell it this year. I have done everything I can to sell everything else I own to help out over the past year. With the economy I just haven’t had much luck. So please do not tell me to sell everything I have. I’ve already tried this. In the end I would still feel like I end up with nothing with this guy as we aren’t married. Just living together.
I forgot to add. I also pay for everything we need at Walmart – like household toiletries, cleaners, soaps, toothpaste, etc. I’ve just gotten to the point where I won’t buy his deodorants (he’ll use mine instead because he’s too cheap to buy any for himself!!) – If he’s sick he won’t go to the doctor he’ll complain because it’s too much money. Then I end up feeling guilty because I’m not taking care of him. He says he is going to pay half the daycare expenses when our daughter is born. Who knows? He makes a lot of promises now he doesn’t keep usually. In my eyes it seems like he’s getting the upper benefit of the relationship? Am I wrong? Yes the father of the first child does pay child support. The state has finally gotten him to pay weekly (he wasn’t paying at all before).
Yes, we are engaged. I am not as “hot” on the idea of getting married right now though. Money differences to me are the issue right now. I just often feel like I’m getting sacked with expenses I shoudn’t be. Yes all of the “stuff” that I currently pay loans on (except for one vehicle) are literally up for sale. I’m just sick of always hearing him say “I dont have any money” for this or for that and always looking to me to fill the void. I do what I can but I’ve gotten to a point where I am doing too much I think. I just need confirmation that either others believe I am doing too much or not enough. That’s all I need to know.
Best answer:
Answer by gvh
Sounds like everything is about right…have you tried to get a second job so you can get him a nice birthday gift. You don’t want him to leave do you…
What do you think? Answer below!
My question would be how did you decide to let him treat you like that? Doesn’t sound like an even remotely equitable relationship. If the two of you are living together (how do you each have a home?) then you need to develop a long-range plan, develop a budget, and stick to it.
If he’s not the father of your first child, is that one paying you any child support? He should.
Is this one planning on putting any money out for his kid?
Frankly, I think you need to take a good hard look at this because unless you decide what you want things will only deteriorate, and yes, they can.
Look in the mirror…you’ll see the face of a fool.
I think you already know the answer to this question, you just want confirmation.
What you describe isn’t the way a loving partner feels about their significant other.
What would happen if you printed out your question and handed it to him to read. Sounds like you need to have a serious talk about your relationship and your expectations of each other, especially with a baby on the way.
Good Luck to you.
First thing is first. DO NOT SELL your home yet. Until there is a commitment on paper both of you have the right to leave this situation and with marriage it at least makes it a situation where you both have to think more about it first because of the expense and trauma of divorce.
Paying you bi-weekly towards groceries at $ 70.00 each time for his portion (only) is not enough money today for a single person to eat at home so you need to make record of your purchases for food to show him just how much it is actually costing you to purchase enough for the month. Then you both need to decide what is the best way to divide that cost (such as based on two people, three people, or four people) and who is responsible for whose food costs. Are you to be the only one responsible for your children’s food or is he to share that load with you?
Stop eating out if you are the only one purchasing the food. If you both want to eat out then set up a set amount in your budget for eating out and divide that cost by two.
Most men that I have known are willing to pay most of the bills themselves but I know that is hard to do nowadays so divide the utility bills up according to income levels. I mean add up everything and then divide that costs.
If your expenses are already much more than his you need to decide if there are things you can get rid of or things you can pay less on without effecting your credit and without minimizing your debt to the point that interest accumulates more.
I know you don’t want to get rid of things but two car loans? Surely, you could part with one. That would cut your loans down and your insurance, car registration, inspection fees, gasoline, oil, maintenance and in the long run save you quite a bit. If the car is for him then you need to make sure he pays you for the loan each month.
Pay off your credit cards and cut them up. Credit cards are not income. Credit cards are just more debt, an easy excuse to spend when you shouldn’t be.
Stop going out. Rent movies instead. If you just feel you have to go out once in a while then put it in your budget and again make him pay half.
The main thing to do is set up a budget. Write down all of your expenses and separate them by his, yours and ours then agree on what each other needs to pay. Don’t short yourself or give into his wishes at the expense of your own life.
I hope things work out better for you. Living with this secret feeling of doom over finances will end up making you resentful and angry. Talk it over with him and get out of debt.
Good luck.
Have you considered marrying the guy?
You do have a baby girl on the way. She deserves a stable home, and not bickering about “his money” and “her money”.
If you’re going to share raising your baby girl, then you’ll need to share finances.
I’d sell one car, the snowmobile and the camper to raise money and you won’t have to pay the insurance for all of these things.